Pelica Debrief
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Tim Frazier is the New Orleans Pelicans’ first superhero

By Brendon Kleen

Mar 31, 2016; New Orleans, LA, USA; New Orleans Pelicans guard Tim Frazier (2) reacts after scoring a three point basket against the Denver Nuggets during the second half at the Smoothie King Center. The Pelicans won 101-95. Mandatory Credit: Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports
Mar 31, 2016; New Orleans, LA, USA; New Orleans Pelicans guard Tim Frazier (2) reacts after scoring a three point basket against the Denver Nuggets during the second half at the Smoothie King Center. The Pelicans won 101-95. Mandatory Credit: Derick E. Hingle-USA TODAY Sports /
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Approximately two weeks ago, the New Orleans Pelicans signed a player named Tim Frazier off the street to a ten-day contract. What came next was borderline unimaginable- the Pelicans now employ a literal superhero.

Do you know where Pennsylvania State University is located? Did you even know there was such a thing as a basketball team at Pennsylvania State University? I did not; it’s eighty-six miles outside of Harrisburg, which I’m also not sure is a real place. Tim Frazier, a basketball player for the New Orleans Pelicans, attended PSU and is already fifth on the list for minutes played in the NBA by PSU alumnus.

However, this story starts to make a lot of sense when you consider that Tim Frazier is actually a superhuman who dresses up as a basketball player to hide his identity. Clark Kent grew up in Smallville, U.S.A. which is literally named after its suburban location and relatively insignificant size. Before Bruce Wayne became a metropolitan vigilante in Gotham, he was raised in the countryside by parents who likely knew of his abilities and attempted to hide them. Likewise, Tim Frazier’s parents hid him away in rural Pennsylvania so that the world might never know of his true power.

He would not be contained, though. Lurking in the shadows of a lost Pelicans season, Mr. Frazier’s potential began to rear its glorious head. Finally, on March the Thirty-First, in the lord’s year MMXVI, he blew his cover:

That was all we really needed. No bit of magicking or memory removal can change us back to what we collectively were before Frazier dehumanized Will Barton (sidenote: Will Barton must then be a supervillian, which isn’t exactly a surprise, considering the sudden uptick in production at the high altitude of Denver, Colorado). We as NBA fans tend to praise posterizations, but I mean imagine being in Barton’s spot on this play. There’s no coming back from a FrazierBomb ™ like that.

Despite his parents’ best efforts (naming him Tim), the secret is out. In fact, I think it’s been “out” in NBA circles for quite a while. The Portland Trailblazers knew that their prized backcourt of Damian Lillard and CJ McCollum might not actually survive the explosion of energy that is Tim Frazier playing basketball, so they cut Frazier halfway through the season as their team started to coalesce around Actual Human Damian Lillard.

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Of course, the next step now is to figure out what to do with a superhero on your basketball team. Considering that the Pelicans already employ two “stars” in Anthony Davis and Jrue Holiday, it will be difficult for a third guy – even a mystical paladin like Frazier – to mesh. However, the table has already been set for a full Tim-over (like takeover, but used if/when said takeover is being done by a man named Tim). See, Davis was all set to earn a Rose Rule supermax this offseason as a two-time All-Star starter. But, after failing to make that cut through the fan vote, he seems unlikely to qualify through All-NBA voting either.

That chain of events would then allow Frazier, a shoo-in All-NBA first teamer, to come in and take the same contract following the 2016-17 season.

Granted, the league now knows that the Pelicans employ a superhero. There will be a long line of suitors gunning for Frazier’s abilities this offseason and next. Remain strong, compadres. Our oneness of mind, coupled with the powerful mystical presence in New Orleans should be enough to keep him in the city as our leader. After all, it’s no coincidence that his Awakening occurred in a city like New Orleans. As for what comes after that, it seems we might have to turn to an oft-referenced blueprint for harnessing the majesty of our new hero.

You see, there is another superhero in the NBA- LeBron Raymone James. Basically, what I’m saying here is that we as fans must prepare for the inevitable, an event which has been preordained by a bloodline of basketball celesitiality that began with LeBron James and now includes our Tim Frazier.

Next: The Pelicans might finally be fun

La Nouvelle Decision airs July 8th, only on ESPN.

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